Elijah Wood: A Homosexual Hobbit?

I know what you're thinking: "But we already knew Sam and Frodo were gay!" All right, all right. I agree. But what about young, doe-eyed actor Elijah Wood? Is there yet another celeb with small height specifications waiting to be outed?

According to the Hollywood gossip chain, Wood has dated two women: Franka Potente and Pam Racine. Our dear friend Pamela seems to be the latest in relationship news, but I believe a close examination of the evidence tells a different story.

Here, Pamela and Elijah are photographed together as proof of their "love" relationship. Oh, paparazzi, I BEG to differ. Elijah, with his distinctly homosexual messenger bag, is clearly shopping around for some great new items to accessorize his plain tee and jeans. Pamela, the lingering fag hag, has been dragged along on the journey as no gay man can ever shop alone. Some tabloid has misinterpreted an otherwise innocent shopping trip.

In contrast, photographs taken below of Elijah with members of the cast of the Lord of the Rings surely shows that our messenger-bag-toting-friend needs a good trip to the Outing Club to clear his head- and the cobwebs out of his closet. In contrast to the physical distance observed in the above photo of Elijah and his beloved Pamela, Elijah makes direct physical contact with the boys, touching, groping, and kissing in all of the most inappropriate places.

Case Closed.
Closet Opened.